RETHINKING WHO I AM

identity

Identity. Whoever we think we are shapes our view of the world. It is a point of view. Point of viewing everything else. It is a controlling factor in how we make choices, what we grasp for, what we hold tightly to. It directs us. Blinds us. Makes us… or defeats us. So I need to think carefully about who I am.

I am not a homeschool mom.

Feels strange to write that.

I have homeschooled my kids for 18 years.

And I have loved homeschooling. When people asked how it was going, I would light up and say, “I’m learning so much! Oh, and my kids are doing great too….”

I used to read curriculum magazines for fun. And I made the most wonderful, lasting friendships in that community.

But lately, homeschooling wasn’t working as well for my family, and it was beginning to threaten my way of life.

It happened gradually. I just didn’t think my children were thriving. They were passing…but not becoming.

And so the “S” word became a topic of conversation. And prayer.

For several years in a row I prayed about School. My husband prayed. My mother prayed. My mother-in-law prayed. It just became a part of the fabric of my prayer life. “Lord, if school is the best thing for my kids….”

But it always stopped there. Once we visited a local Christian school. But that was it.

And so I began my school year last fall with this prayer: “Lord, I’m homeschooling again this year. (Surprise.) But Lord, if you know that school is really the right change for my children, please give me overwhelming wisdom.” That was my prayer. Overwhelming wisdom. I reasoned with God that a little wisdom wouldn’t get me there. My inner gravitational pull was toward homeschooling. I loved it. And I knew it. Only overwhelming wisdom could compel me to take a different direction.

That school year was a testimony to Overwhelming Wisdom.

It came in many ways, but this one was key.

It was One of Those Days. Kids were bickering. Lessons were limping. Even a belligerent No came from my children on that morning.

This isn’t working, fear gripped my heart.

I looked directly into the angry face of one of my children and thought, You are ruining my vision for my life.

(Good thing I didn’t Say it.)

Wow. Had it come to that? I almost laughed out loud.

I looked to heaven and silently asked, Did I just think those words?

Even I could see how ridiculous that was.

It was a Revelation. It was a piece of Overwhelming Wisdom.

My children are not here to fulfil my vision for my life. Rather, I am here on behalf of God to help prepare these children for a life of service and faithfulness.

I am not a Homeschool Mom.

I am a daughter of God. I am a woman who has been brought into a close, living relationship with the Eternal God.

THAT’S who I am.

And once I SAW that, I could look at my sweet children and easily see what they really needed.

You need to go to school, kids, I thought.

So simple once I got there. So apparent.

This morning I dropped my kids off at their Christian school and watched them glide past the glass doors with their backpacks and lunchboxes in tow. “Don’t rush through your English test!” I shout out toward my son as he turns and gives me a knowing glance.

I’m not a homeschool mom. Or a school mom. Or even a wife or mother…although I do those things.

I am a woman who has been singled out and captivated by the glory and beauty of Christ.

And everything else… is just passing seasons.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s